Love Me Harder

She needed an explanation from Mark. Anything that would make this make sense. They were supposed to be good Christian boys who never got into trouble, they went to church every Sunday, by God they were supposed to be the perfect role models for her and the other young teens that attended Sunday service. What changed?

Sarah stopped her pacing at the sound of two sets of footsteps trudging down the staircase, one set faster than the other. She stood there in the middle of the living room, dumbfounded, as the two boys came down looking like guilty dogs that just got caught digging through the trash. Mark in particular looked terrified out of his mind, and it made Sarah feel like shit. She wasn’t meant to catch them in the act. And she really didn’t mean to! But how else was she supposed to react to seeing that?

And why couldn’t they cover up better? At least they had the decency to put shirts on, but it would have been nice if they could put some pants on instead of walking around in their boxers. The plain white shirt that Mark was wearing was also very loose and low-fitting, and all those bites along his neck were out in the open for anyone to see. Gross. Even if it were with another girl, she didn’t want to add to the mental image of what her brother was doing in bed with someone else. Not that she was going to comment on their appearance… 

“Okay. So. What the fuck was that? What’s going on?” She tried her best to keep her voice calm and steady. The last thing she wanted right now was a screaming match. 

Silence. Mark looked at Cesar, who looked back at him expectantly. Mark may have had the patience to deal with her, but she could tell Cesar was in an awful mood now. Not just at her, but she could tell by the way he looked at Mark that it was directed at him too. But why? He didn’t do anything wrong here.

“We’ve been together for a while. Over a year now. Sorry for not telling you sooner, sis.”

“We didn’t need to tell her,” Cesar interrupted, “Because it wasn’t any of her business.”

Sarah opened her mouth to snap back at him, but chose to keep quiet instead. Mark pulled him in closer by his arm, kissing Cesar on the side of the head and softly shushing him. He was trying so hard to soothe him. There was nothing she could say that wouldn’t make that harder for him.

“Don’t say that. She’s my sister. I would have wanted her to know at some point.” 

Cesar gave a sarcastic snort. Sarah had never seen him like this before. She couldn’t blame him though. What right did she have to throw herself in the middle of their relationship? With a sigh and a stern look, she tried to pretend Cesar wasn’t getting to her. “What if our parents found out, Mark? Or the church? Don’t you know what would happen?”

“We wouldn’t be welcome there anymore, probably.”

“ ‘Probably?!’ ”

“For sure.”

“What the fuck are you thinking, Mark?”

“He’s thinking about what he wants, instead of what his mama tells him,” Cesar practically snarled in rage. “Or how his kid sister would feel about it. Sorry he didn’t fucking run it by you, first.”

That did it. “Shut the fuck—”

“Sarah, hold it.” Mark was starting to wig out. All because Cesar’s stupid shit was getting to her. “Cesar, come on, quit it already. Let me talk to—”

“So, what, you’re going to out us, then?”

“What? No! No, no, no, I just…” Sarah had to think about that, since she probably would have considered it if she didn’t stick around to talk to Mark about it first. 

Cesar kept spouting his abuses while Mark tried to shake reason into him. But she was lost in her own thoughts now, feeling like she was about to combust from the mental strain of choosing her words wisely. Was there even such a thing in this situation?

“This isn’t like you at all, Ces. Please, just calm down…”

Through Cesar’s ranting, she could pick up on the fear and confusion in Mark’s voice. She needed to say something. 

“No. I won’t say a word.”

Everything froze. The two boys stopped to both look at Sarah. Mark with relief, Cesar with disbelief and confusion.

And disgust. She thought that would make him less angry, but it only fanned the flames. “You’re just saying that.”

“I’m not!”

“You’ll run off and tell everyone.”

“Says who?”

“There’s no way in hell you had a change of heart that fast. Bullshit, you just want a quick way out of this!”

Sarah was at a loss. She really was telling the truth, so what was she supposed to do now if Cesar won’t even believe her when she’s giving him the answer he wanted? Yes, it was ingrained in their heads from childhood that relationships were meant to be a certain way, and that anything else was the product of some kind of sinful temptation. 

But she really meant it. This was different. This was Mark. Did she really want to sell out her own brother? Ruin his life over this? No, she didn’t. Besides, the church also taught that you don’t turn your back on family, and Mark was family. What was more important?

And as much as he was being an asshole right now, she didn’t want to fuck Cesar’s entire life over, either.

It was a miracle, but Mark finally managed to get a word in without Cesar barking over him. “Ces, I really think she’s telling the truth.”

“How do you know?”

“She wouldn’t lie about something like that to me.”

“How do you know? ”

“If Mark ever got disowned or had to leave town, I’d go with him,” she blurted out. The two boys stopped and stared at her again. She didn’t know where that came from, she just needed to pull something out of her ass to get Cesar off of Mark’s ass. But the whole reason it came out so fast was that it was true, she really would run off if it meant supporting her brother. 

This was so tiring. She needed to sit down. That glare from Cesar was drilling right through her as she let herself sink into the couch cushions. “Even if it meant living in the same house with both of you. And having to hear you guys fuck. I would still pick that instead of staying with mom.”

The creeping guilt was eating away at her now. How could she even think about outing them when it could literally destroy their lives? Not being welcome at home, getting kicked out of the church, being shunned by all the people they care about… All so she could get some brownie points with the church? It wasn’t worth it.

“Sarah, I know this is probably a real bad time to ask, but are you okay?”

Mark must have been able to see the exhaustion and pain written all over her face, because he was starting to sound more concerned for her than for himself. He always was sensitive to her feelings, but how could he even think of her feelings right now?

Cesar apparently felt the same way, because he gave Mark such a dramatic look of enraged disgust that Sarah knew right then that this was it, this is what pushes him past the breaking point.

“Mark, are you fucking serious?!”

Mark’s hands shot up defensively to his chest. “Whoa, whoa, what’s your problem?”

“My problem? You’re asking her if she’s okay while I’m here about to have a fucking breakdown, don’t you get that we might be fucking screwed right now? Because you told your kid sister that she can—”

“Don’t start with that, I couldn’t have planned for this, okay? We weren’t together when I moved out!” Even Mark was starting to lose his cool now, and Sarah couldn’t bear to see it. But she was trapped here, and all she could do was pull her legs up and hug her knees while she watched the disaster unfold in front of her.

“Don’t give me bullshit, this didn’t need to happen!”

Mark was visibly overwhelmed, like he didn’t know how to reel Cesar back in anymore. He grabbed him by the shoulders and forcefully turned him to face him. “Ces, baby, you need to calm down—”

“Don’t fucking tell me to calm down!” He jerked himself back and out of Mark’s grip. “And don’t fucking touch me!”

Oh. Oh fuck. They’re fighting now. Shit.

“Alright, Ces,” he whimpered, his voice shaky and weak, “I think you need to go upstairs.”

“I know you’re not telling me to go upstairs when she’s—”

“When she’s what, Ces?!” For the first time, Sarah was hearing what it was like when Marked raised his voice, and neither she nor Cesar were liking it. “I know you’re mad. I know you’re scared out of your fucking mind. I get it! I am too!” Before Cesar could interrupt, Mark kept going, shouting over him. “She’s fourteen. Not some Catholic granny who writes you out of the will because she heard you listening to Green Day or some shit.”

As much as Cesar’s been an asshole, she didn’t want this. They didn’t need to fight over this. All because she did something so fucking stupid.

“That’s not the point!”

“Then what is the point? You’re the adult in the room, can’t you fucking act like it? You wanted me to talk for you, but you’ve been a goddamn prick this whole time! Leave my sister the hell alone.”

That was enough to finally make Cesar go quiet. “Mark, I just…”

“Upstairs. Please.” Just like that, the anger was gone, only to be replaced with regret.

Sarah shrunk farther back into the couch cushions. He’s going to beat himself up for saying those things for months, and it’s all because of me.

Cesar stormed off upstairs toward the bedroom. The door at the top of the stairs opened and slammed shut hard enough to shake the walls. All while Mark looked so exhausted, like he was dead inside. He let his body fall onto the couch next to Sarah, leaning over his knees with his head in his hands.

“I’m sorry,” she said, her voice broken and quiet. She couldn’t make eye contact with him, not after that. “I didn’t mean to make you guys fight.”

“It’s fine.”

“No, it’s really not.”

“I’ll just have to make it up to him later.”

Sarah wanted to believe that, but it sounded more like Mark was trying to convince himself, and not her. The two sat in silence together for a while, Mark with his head down and his arms folded over his knees, with no background noise except for the occasional passing of cars outside. 

Mark gave a shaky sigh, like he’d been crying while his head was down. “We’ve never fought like that. I hope he’s okay.”

“Me too. This is my fault.”

“Are you okay? You never got to tell me.”

“No, I saw my brother naked. I made him fight with his boyfriend, and now he’s trying to pass it off like he’s not crying in front of me. I’m questioning everything I’ve ever been told. I don’t fucking know what to think anymore.” She looked at Mark, and the two finally made eye contact again. She gauged him for some sort of response, and he gave her a sympathetic smile. “All I know is that I don’t want to make your life harder.”

“Hey,” he started, pulling her into a hug. “What do you mean? I’m not crying.”

He was still trying to act tough at a time like this. Sarah could see right through it, but she’d let him have that, if it made him feel better.

She leaned into the hug. Better to ‘let it slide’, if she could call it that. “Yeah. We’ll go with that.”  With Cesar out of the way, she could at least trust Mark to answer her honestly, even if she can’t tell which questions would be landmines. “I just don’t get it. Aren’t you both still Christian? You still go to church every Sunday. Or have you just been faking it?”

“No, we haven’t been faking it. We still are. Don’t let Cesar hear you say something like that, he might actually kill you for real.”

“Then?”

He shrugged. “We just don’t see it the same way, or something like that. It’s hard to, when stuff like this just…” he gestured vaguely with his hands. “...Happens. I mean, I used to think the same way. I don’t anymore.”

It was hard to imagine her benign older brother thinking things like that, even if it was even harder to process that he wasn’t straight. “What changed?”

“Oh God, this is embarrassing… Falling in love with Cesar definitely did it for me.”

Sarah visibly cringed. If she ever got all mushy like that, she thought she’d rather just die. “Eurgh, that’s sappy. Don’t say that ever again.”

Next thing she knew Mark had shoved her hard onto the side cushions, practically making her almost bounce off of them, laughing and spitting playful insults. She laughed with him and went along with the roughhousing. It reminded her so much of her childhood, and the nostalgia was a welcome feeling. “You little shit. I mean it, though. You think you know something, but then shit just happens and it changes everything.”

“I guess.” She smiled and sat upright again, and flashed him an awkward smirk. “Sooo, how about the whole ‘sex before marriage’ thing? Got any excuses for that one?”

“Oh, shit, um… I got nothing. Cesar was just too tempting? Haha, oops.” 

“Guess nobody can be perfect all the time. Especially not you.”

“Wow, what a bitch,” he muttered, leaning back and crossing his arms. “So you’re really not going to tell anyone? Not even mom?”

“I can’t do that to you. You’ve always been there for me, so I’d just be a fucking asshole if I did some shit like that. I don’t get it, but I don’t want to stress you out.” She was relieved to see him relieved by her words. Knowing him though, it wasn’t going to last, not with his anxiety. “And you’re not going to like, lecture me or something?”

“I don’t think I have to. Looks like you’re working it out on your own.”

“Well, um…” Sarah made a motion toward the stairs. “Just so you know, I swear to fucking God if he does anything to hurt you, if he’s anything other than a perfect little angel, I’ll kick his ass. If he breaks your heart I’ll actually kill him for real.”

“I wouldn’t worry about that. He’s usually so sweet and loving. He’s not usually like this, I promise. He’s not perfect either, and I know he lashes out when he’s anxious. It’s just never been directed at me before.” He prattled on for a bit about him and, to her annoyance, Sarah discovered too late that talking shit about Cesar to Mark was also a bad idea. He might not be mad, but he was going to ramble on and on in his defense. 

Eventually he caught on to Sarah’s comically annoyed expression that he was on the world’s most pathetic tangent. Super awkward. He paused, then gave Sarah the ‘shortened version’ of that. “I’ll get through to him. Everything will be fine.”

“So, speaking of which… If you don’t mind me asking, if he’s here, where’s his car?”

“...Funny story. It’s a habit now that I pick him up for school on Fridays, and he comes home with me after, and he stays over the weekend. I drop him off back at home after church.”

Well, that explains why she would see the two come and go from school together almost every Friday, and why they showed up for church together that same weekend. 

“Wait, does that mean you guys are… you know… and then coming to church the morning after?” She stared at him and he stared back, their expressions blank and unreadable. After what felt like an eternity, a guilty and bashful blush spread across his face before he broke eye contact and looked away. She clapped a hand up to her mouth and tried to suppress both her shock and laughter. “Oh my God, oh my fucking God , Mark, you can’t be for real, holy shit,” she giggled, her voice muffled behind her hand. It was fucking gross, knowing her own brother was going at it that much, but it was just so fucking funny that 'upstanding citizen Mark Heathcliff' was doing something so utterly blasphemous.

Through her own giggles, and even Mark starting to laugh at himself a bit, Sarah could faintly hear the sound of the door upstairs creaking open. It was only just loud enough for her to barely pick up on; Cesar must be trying to come down without being noticed. Probably looking to eavesdrop on whatever they were cracking up about, or to see if she’d left yet. 

She swore that if he said or did anything else to hurt Mark, she’d wring his neck.

Either way, she decided it was time to go, since there was a chance that Cesar was still looking to start a fight. She stood, and took a few steps in the direction of the door. “Okay, okay, good talk. But I think I should go. Let you guys work that out and get back to… what you were doing.”

Mark stood up too, and moved to follow her. “Wait, why were you here in the first place?”

“Had a fight with mom. Just wanted to get out for a bit.”

“You walked here? By yourself? I know it’s been awkward and weird, but you should stay and rest before you go back.”

Not with Cesar here, hell no, she thought. Not that she disliked him or blamed him for reacting the way he did, but the last thing either of them needed right now was to be in the same house. “It’s fine. I think you should take care of Cesar, he looked really hurt.”

“You should at least let me drive you home.”

Sarah smiled. No matter what, Mark really was always looking out for her. “No way. Mom will pop an artery if she finds out I made you do that just because I got pissed and stormed out.” She hugged him again, one last time before she left. “And I promise I won’t tell her about anything.”

“Hey, I believe you,” he said, wrapping his arms around her and patting her back. 

“Just making sure.” She pulled away and took a few steps closer to the door. “I know you’re going to be worrying about this later. You always wig the fuck out for weeks when shit happens.”

“Yeah, yeah, thanks,” he snarked. He nudged her to the door. “Um, maybe from now on you should call. Before coming over. If you can.”

“You’re telling me. I’m not making that mistake again. I don’t want to see your bare ass again for the rest of my life.”

Mark rolled his eyes, a light blush dusting his cheeks. Sarah caught a glimpse of Cesar watching from the staircase. “Oh, that reminds me. Mom was going to call and let you know that Cesar and his mom can come over for Easter dinner again this year. You know she doesn’t like them being all by themselves on holidays.” She tried giving a sympathetic look to Cesar, who averted his gaze away. He already looked sad, and her nice gesture only seemed to make him feel worse. He just looked downright ashamed all of a sudden… She wished she didn’t get him yelled at. Over her stupid choices. She couldn’t fault him for acting like that; in his mind, he must have felt like he needed to defend himself and Mark at all costs. Could she really say she wouldn’t do the same?

If someone walked in on me getting fucked and I thought they might snitch, I’d probably turn into a huge bitch too.

Mark’s eyes were tired, but the stress was starting to fade, at least for now. “Cool. I’ll make sure they know.”

“Okay. I’m out. Good luck calming him down.”

Sarah closed the door behind her when she left, leaving Mark to take care of Cesar. With how remorseful he looked, maybe it wouldn’t be that hard, or so she hoped. 

At any rate, that was not what she expected to learn today. So her brother is… gay? Bisexual? Either way, not straight. Into men. Or maybe just Cesar specifically, but did it matter? He was the last person she expected to be like that; Cesar she could completely understand (she would never say that out loud of course, not in front of him, and not after his little rampage), but Mark? That blindsided her.

At least it took her mind off the bullshit at home. Part of her still wanted to take up Mark on his offer and stay a little longer. She was tired, she knew Mark was going to fret about this for weeks, and to be completely honest she wanted to apologize properly to Cesar, too. She knew him before this, and he was never a nasty person. She couldn’t even begin to imagine how nervous and afraid he must have been to fall apart like that. While she wanted to give him time to cool down, what if rushing to get out of the house to get away from him wasn’t the right thing to do? Maybe she should go back inside and—

A loud, repetitive banging noise thudded against the closed door, derailing her train of thought. What the fuck was—

“OOOHHH MARK!~ AH! A-AH! AAAHHHNN!~” Cesar’s voice wailed out, dull and muffled from behind the door, almost as loud as whatever that thumping sound was.

Nah. Fuck this shit. I’m out.