Chapter 25: April 26th, 1992
Cesar’s eyes blinked open to the red glow of the alarm clock. It was just after four in the morning. Soon he’d have to leave the warmth of Mark and his bed and they’d get ready for church, where they would have to pretend they weren’t obsessed with each other. From there it was yet another week of school, another week of their tortuous facade before they could spend time alone together and be themselves again.
He didn’t move and kept his cheek pressed against his boyfriend’s chest. Mark’s arm was still draped over his bare shoulder, and he was snoring peacefully as he always did. Like nothing in the world was wrong, even though Cesar’s entire world was wrong except for Mark’s place in it. Why did everything have to be so difficult?
Worse, Mark had no idea how hard things really were. Not for Cesar.
He wished Sarah had never asked. He didn’t blame her, but being reminded of that was like a spear to the heart. Burying his head in the sand and forgetting all about it kept him happy and blind behind his rose-tinted glasses that let him pretend everything was fine. Fulfilling his love and lust for Mark—and Mark’s desires for him, of course—and climbing into bed with him helped take his mind off things, but only for so long. Until he woke up with himself and his thoughts and remembered how everything could fall apart at any moment.
He questioned if it would be worth it to try to go back to sleep. But the warmth was inviting, and he couldn’t stand being awake by himself without Mark to talk to. So he pulled his legs, which were dangling off the foot of the bed from how he laid across Mark’s body, back onto the mattress, curled up on his side against Mark’s body, and made himself as comfortable as he could. He could feel Mark grumble in his sleep and start to stir. Hellish as it was to let his mind race without Mark to anchor it, he didn’t want to disturb him. Both of them didn’t have to lose sleep over this. But even in his deep sleep, he tightened his arms around Cesar.
Out of all the traps he’d ever fallen into, he could live with this one.
