Chapter 32: April 29th, 1992
There were two computers in the back of the room, one in each corner, both unoccupied. Even better was the fact that the entire room was empty. Doing what he was about to do in the same room as someone else felt weird, even if it was only one person on the complete opposite side of the room.
Cesar sat down at one of the computer desks. Despite the wall behind him and to his left, he nervously glanced over both shoulders. No doubt he looked suspicious as hell; he'd slinked in as quietly as he could, peeking around corners for any sign of Mark. Cesar knew he came to this library to study without being distracted, and they'd bumped into each other here a few times before. Sometimes he would have a book or two in hand, much to Cesar's shock, as Mark didn't seem like the type to read anything without being forced. Even his own sister and boyfriend blurted out in shock at the discovery, and poor Mark was left feeling incredulous and offended. So funny and cute, from Cesar's standpoint. There was just no way to explain to him that a big fella like him in cargo shorts and designer eye bags didn't carry the air of a bookworm without him blushing and muttering curses under his breath. Adorable. Though Cesar wished he had the attention span for something other than a comic book.
Whatever. It counts. Though if he could sit down and read a novel from cover to cover, book reports would be a lot less painful. Imagine—no more scouring for book reviews at the last minute to figure out what the book was about, and trying to write a report based on that. The process hadn't failed him so far, but things would be so much easier if he were at all like Mark.
It would also give them something to talk about together. Ironically, beyond passing some CDs back and forth, they didn't have much in common. They liked music and movies, had gone to church together since they were kids, and matched each other's freak in the bedroom. He made a mental note to pay more attention to what Mark liked. It would be a nice surprise. Not the usual kind of surprise, though; Cesar was already right on top of that. Sex was great and Mark was in agreement, but he wanted to put more effort into their relationship than that.
For the time being though, fun surprises of the sexual kind were why he was here, and it was for that reason that Cesar was avoiding him now. Seeing him outside of school during the week brightened his day, and the way Mark's face lit up at the sight of him said that he felt the same. There was just one problem, though: Mark knew damn well that Cesar wasn't the scholarly type, and seeing him at a library of all places was the farthest thing from normal. Cesar didn't want him to know he was here—there was no way he could explain what he was up to. Their small-town library wasn't exactly the greatest place to find the newest issue of Swamp Thing. If Cesar wasn't careful, those unplanned meetings could blow his cover.
Months ago, he'd found a website where he could talk to people who were much more "experienced". A girl there was quite eager to give input and advice. Apparently, she slept around and even starred in some low-budget pornos, and was active on the BDSM scene. Though not a gay man herself, she shared a "workplace" with many of them. She knew a thing or two. It was hard for Cesar to admit that she knew more than him, but he didn't sulk about it for too long considering he was freshly eighteen in a strictly monogamous relationship while this kind lady was in her early thirties and made sex her career. In fact, she was the reason why he started cutting back on his anal douching habit. He was pleased to know that most guys—and even some girls!—she worked with didn't do that, or did so only rarely and had no issues, and that a thorough cleaning with a little soap and water was all he needed. Saved him from a constant literal pain in his ass.
Surprising nobody, the sex ed in a place like Mandela County schools was crap. You were lucky to get it at all, and if you did, it was strictly abstinence-only. Homosexuality was only ever mentioned alongside AIDS, and AIDS only alongside homosexuality. Classy. The teacher, the wife of a local pastor of course, gave Cesar a dirty look when he rolled his eyes while she implied that gay people magically spawn AIDS in their bodies as soon as they declare themselves to be gay and that they spread it to the good and godly non-homosexuals, who don't have it because they are godly and good. If they do catch it? Then clearly they did something wrong in the eyes of God.
That eye-roll doubtlessly tipped her off that Cesar was not straight, or at least a rebellious little twerp, but she never told a soul. All hell would break loose if she tried to accuse the picture-perfect son of the upstanding and famously God-fearing local churchgoer Camila Torres of being a degenerate homosexual. The eye-rolls quickly became shit-eating grins that grew more venomous with each glare she shot down at him over the top rims her disgustingly out-of-style bifocals that were about as old as Jesus H. Christ himself. Go fuck yourself, Mrs. Abernathy.
What a bunch of bullshit. Unless their parents had some messed-up medical history they were keeping a secret, he was clean and so was Mark. It would have been nice to get his advice from a textbook (he internally gagged at the thought) rather than a well-meaning D-list porn star, but in her defense, she did admit that she wasn’t sure how much help she would be for gay men trying to spice things up. And Cesar did have to give her credit where credit was due: She’s been great at figuring out how to scratch itches he didn’t even know he had. She knew a thing or two. Much better than the… first guy.
That guy was weird. The bad weird. Not the fun weird. He wanted way too much information for Cesar's liking, asking things like how big his cock is, how much he could shove up his ass, what sort of toys he liked to play with when he’s alone, if he's ever had to go to the hospital because he got a toy stuck in his ass and couldn't get it out (he almost did once, but nobody needed to know about that, not even Mark), and even asking for voice clips of him moaning while using his toys. Gross. There weren't enough teenage hormones in the world to make Cesar horny enough to entertain some faceless creep on the internet. He was probably ugly as fuck. With bad breath and a wrinkly dick. For the guy who gave him life-ruining "advice", Cesar would only assign such a person the worst mental images.
Fuck. You.
…Then there was the guilt of it. He never should have done what he did. He could have said no, and yet he still…
He pulled up the private thread. Not with that creepy dude, but the girl who’s actually been nice to him.
[03-12-1992|17:01CST] 020691: i was here a long time ago before i started dating my current boyfriend. i was talking to a weird guy and he suggested cruising
[03-12-1992|17:01CST] Rosie11122: Did you do it?
[03-12-1992|17:02CST] 020691: once. i dont want to do it again
[03-12-1992|17:03CST] Rosie11122: How’d it go? What happened?
[03-12-1992|17:04CST] 020691: bad. i dont really want to think about it. its bad enough i have to see him every day
Cesar leaned his elbows on the desk, put his head down in his hands, and tried to steady his breathing. He couldn’t lose his cool in the middle of this library. Why did he have to be a magnet for creeps when all he wanted was to love Mark? This would be so much easier if he could come out of the closet and be done with it. But he would lose his family, his church, his community… and even though he would be graduating soon, Mark would suffer for it for his entire senior year of high school. Mark's dad would probably make him leave the house he’s paying him rent for. They’d both get kicked out of their homes, and then what? Where would they go? With the weird shit that’s been happening in the dead of night, they wouldn't survive their first night on the streets.
Cesar looked back up at the screen, sniffling quietly.
[03-12-1992|17:06CST] Rosie11122: Ok, I won’t ask about it. Sorry that happened ): do you want to talk about your boyfriend instead? Maybe I can help if I know a little bit about him!
He laughed to himself and wondered if “Rosie” regretted asking that.
[03-12-1992|17:10CST] 020691: oh my god he is such a sweetheart. he acts so tough around everyone else but me, he always wants to play with me as much as I want to play with him even if he pretends he doesnt. he gives the warmest hugs and theres no better blanket than him. i want to fall asleep next to him every night and wake up with him every morning. he loves me so much and i love him back you have no idea. and the sex!!!!!! hes usually so gentle with me, but get him going and its like getting fucked by an angry bull, hes so much fun
[03-12-1992|17:11CST] 020691: sorry i think that was too much
[03-12-1992|17:12CST] Rosie11122: Not at all. :) This board is for talking about sex, and you’re here because you couldn’t find another gay or bi guy to talk to you without being a weirdo about it. He sounds like a fantastic partner to have and someone you could settle down with someday if that’s what you’re going for!
[03-12-1992|17:13CST] 020691: thats what im hoping for. i want to spend the rest of my life with him
He scrolled down for a while. Blah, blah, blah. Most of their chat history was like this, with some suggestions from Rosie here and there. He got to the bottom of the thread and his fingers hesitated over the keys. He’d have to break the bad news to her that Mark doesn’t want to have sex at school anymore. It was mostly his idea, but Rosie was the one who really set the idea in motion, asking him about the attitude of the teachers and how easy he thought it would be to skip class. Pretending to get sick during gym was a collaborative writing project between them, and it was a massive success. The day after was improv on Cesar’s part.
It was fun while it lasted. He’d just have to come up with something new to keep Mark on his toes. He found himself spacing out, thinking of how much he loved it when Mark became flustered at Cesar’s suggestions. How he pretended to be unsure of things when all of his body language was screaming yes please, let me have it. Mark wasn’t a naive little boy. He knew what these things were. He just never expected shy little Cesar to come right out and ask for them. Cesar knew he was full of surprises for poor little Mark, and he loved that. Most of the ideas were his, but sometimes he needed a little help.
[04-29-1992|17:05CST] 020691: hi rosie! im back :)
[04-29-1992|17:07CST] Rosie11122: omg hi! Did anything happen? How did it go? If you want to share, of course
[04-29-1992|17:09CST] 020691: well i guess ive got good news and bad news
[04-29-1992|17:09CST] Rosie11122: oh no, there’s bad news?
[04-29-1992|17:10CST] 020691: kind of but its not really that bad
[04-29-1992|17:13CST] 020691: so basically the whole thing with getting him into the locker room worked and we did it in the shower and i swear between him and the hot water he had me MELTING. and he wanted to FUCK my LEGS!!! and the day after that i managed to get us out of class so we could fuck in the bathroom. also very fun! :)
[04-29-1992|17:14CST] Rosie11122: Sounds like you two had a great time! what’s the bad news tho?
[04-29-1992|17:16CST] 020691: he called me up last night telling me we had to stop having sex at school. hes scared were going to get caught and it makes his anxiety go crazy. its a little disappointing but i get where hes coming from and i dont want to stress him out
[04-29-1992|17:17CST] Rosie11122: I can understand that. Poor guy, he sounds like such a sweet softie. Like a big bear made of marshmallow
[04-29-1992|17:18CST] 020691: he really is. i wont make him do anything that scares him. ill just have to go back to waiting until the weekend for us to have our fun
[04-29-1992|17:19CST] 020691: in the meantime i could really use more of your wisdom :) is there anything i could try that i havent thought of yet?
[04-29-1992|17:25CST] Rosie11122: Hm welllll… how does he feel about you being effeminate? Do you consider yourself a manly guy or do you have a more feminine side? A lot of girls I’ve worked with wear heavy mascara so if they start crying from how intense it is, it runs down their face. A lot of guys are turned on by that!
[04-29-1992|17:27CST] 020691: thats so simple but i love it. and i think he will too
That could work. He could easily sneak off with some of his mom’s mascara. It would be gone and back before she even noticed it was missing.
[04-29-1992|17:28CST] 020691: as far as effeminacy goes he likes a little of everything. he likes seeing me like that but he still likes being submissive from time to time. it’s so cute seeing such a big guy get on his knees for me
[04-29-1992|17:29CST] Rosie11122: oh in that case
[04-29-1992|17:31CST] Rose11122: it’s a little stereotypical of gay men so I'm sorry if this comes off wrong but if you haven’t given it a shot, leather is suuuuper popular in gay sub/dom communities. Stuff like harnesses and things like that. They're always shooting scenes like that down at the studio. If both of you like switching up the roles, it sounds like you could get double the mileage out of it!
[04-29-1992|17:32CST] Rosie11122: Sorry, like I said I know I’m stereotyping a bit
[04-29-1992|17:33CST] 020691: its ok! ive heard of that stuff, but i havent looked into it or tried it
He’d seen some stuff down at the shop. There were magazines with leather-clad men on the cover that he never paid much mind to before, but now and then it would catch his eye. He wondered if he should flip through a few pages to see if it did anything for him. And they did have a nice selection of leather gear… But would Mark want to do it? He wasn't having any luck convincing him to try suspension bondage.
He clicked refresh a few times until the next message showed on the screen.
[04-29-1992|17:36CST] Rosie11122: well if you guys end up liking it, let me know! I can help point you in the direction of related things
[04-29-1992|17:38CST] 020691: thanks! i think im going to go now though, im going to run down to the “store” before it closes so i can browse a few things ;)
Cesar didn’t wait for a response before clearing the browser history and signing off from everything. He grabbed his bags and made for the door. There was “research” to be done.
