Chapter 30: April 28th, 1992
Mark held his breath as he rounded the corner to the computer desks in the far back room of the library. His usual seat in the corner was empty. The breath escaped, quietly, out of relief; he’d have his back to the wall again. Most people would mind their business and were too busy to care about what some random guy was doing in a chatroom on another computer, he was sure, but the voice in the back of his head was persistent. Somebody would decide to look. Somebody would catch him. And with his luck, it would be somebody who knew him, and he would have to explain to Cesar how he managed to fuck everything up again.
He was quick to claim his spot, and threw his bag down beside the legs of the chair. It’s been over a month since he last checked in with his very weird “friend”. He was helpful, but after the last time, he was starting to find him less than pleasant. Oh well. He needed someone to talk to. Someone who didn’t know his face. He signed in and opened up the private thread.
[03-09-1992|17:10CST] AirrRadd: ? You there man?
[03-09-1992|17:14CST] DM1970: Fuck, yeah, sorry, got sidetracked. Hey I know I just got here but I gotta go, something came up. Thanks again
[03-09-1992|17:14CST] AirrRadd: No problem brother, show your little twink who’s boss for me.
Mark leaned back in his chair and held back a groan, rubbing his face with both palms. He forgot all about that exchange. He also forgot about how he rushed out of the library with buckled knees and an unwanted public boner. He wished he could go back to forgetting. In the confusion he’d crumpled up his Algebra II worksheets beyond repair and had to come up with an excuse that didn’t involve mentioning surprise-boner-panic. Was he really that pathetic?
Yes. Yes you are, he said to himself. When it comes to Cesar, you’re the fucking worst. Look at him more like a person and less like a piece of meat once in a while. All you do is jerk off like you’re a twelve-year-old who just learned what jerking off is.
He shoved the nagging voice in his head back into its closet and locked the door. Just because it was right didn’t mean he wanted to hear it. Besides, his anxiety wasn’t… entirely right… Not about everything. He was head over heels for Cesar and everything about him turned him on, but he was starting to come to terms with the fact that his attraction didn’t detract from loving him. If it were just about the sex, he could run off and get that from anyone.
Cesar is the only person on this planet who would even think about fucking you.
The closet wasn’t enough. He needed to stab his thoughts. He needed to go all Jason Voorhees on its ass, and he might finally know some peace.
[04-28-1992|16:01CST] DM1970: Hey. Sorry, it’s been a while
[04-28-1992|16:01CST] AirrRadd: Holy shit man you were gone so long I forgot I even had this open
Wow. That was fast. He wasn’t expecting him to be online right this second. Did this guy live here or something? What a no-life.
[04-28-1992|16:02CST] AirrRadd: soooo my good man, how did it go?
[04-28-1992|16:02CST] DM1970: Pretty great, I guess. Not to get into all the details, but he loved your suggestions, so thanks for that.
[04-28-1992|16:03CST] AirrRadd: No deets?! That kinda blows. Glad to be of service though :)
He’d just have to live without the “deets”. Not only did he not need to know all of that, but Mark wanted—no, needed to avoid it for his own sake. The second he started thinking about all of that would be the same second the boner comes back with a raging vengeance. Not a risk he was willing to take.
[04-28-1992|16:06CST] DM1970: Hey, I said not all of them, not none of them. There’s something I sort of wanted to talk about because I don’t know how to feel about it.
[04-28-1992|16:08CST] AirrRadd: Sounds kind of heavy, but sure
He started typing. Lately we’ve been having a lot of sex at school—
He backspaced and deleted “school”. He was supposed to be twenty-two. He needed to be careful about how he worded these things.
[04-28-1992|16:14CST] DM1970: Lately we’ve been having a lot of sex around the college between classes. Like, actually on the campus grounds, in public. So far just in the bathrooms and the locker room showers. I say so far but I really don’t want this to happen in public anymore. I can’t even bring myself to say no because I get so swept up in the moment and any time he’s in the mood, I’m in the mood. All it takes is him making the suggestion or getting us somewhere where we can be alone and then I can’t fight the urge. FFS he got me blowing him in the bathroom at my parents’ house with the entire family right outside in the kitchen. On fucking Easter Sunday!!!!!! My sister knows about us and she saw the blue on my tongue from the mouthwash and I CAN’T deal with the fact that she knows what happened in there
[04-28-1992|16:16CST] AirrRadd: So he’s being pushy with you when you don’t want to?
[04-28-1992|16:18CST] DM1970: Oh no it’s not that. I’ve always been willing every time we do this.
[04-28-1992|16:20CST] AirrRadd: What’s the problem then?
Good question. What was the problem? Was there one?
Anxiety! My anxiety is the problem!
Mark was mortified by how easy it was to forget that.
[04-28-1992|16:20CST] DM1970: I can’t keep doing this. I want to spend more time with him, but I’m afraid of getting caught.
[04-28-1992|16:25CST] AirrRadd: I wish I had advice for you but I really don’t except…… just don’t do it then. If you are that horny that you can’t stop, then that sounds like a personal thing you gotta work out with yourself. It sounds like you’re having fun though and that’s good, but really all I got for you is just don’t do that if it’s stressing you. Tell him no, commit to it, don’t cave just because the blood’s rushing to your dick.
[04-28-1992|16:25CST] AirrRadd: think with your head instead of your cock basically
[04-28-1992|16:26CST] DM1970: If it were that easy I wouldn’t be in this situation right now.
[04-28-1992|16:27CST] AirrRadd: True. Sorry.
[04-28-1992|16:29CST] DM1970: I mean, you might be right. The problem is that once I’m in those situations, I can’t get out of them. But I can try talking to him next time I see him and tell him outright that this is making me freak out a little. I won’t have to fight the urge if I can keep myself out of that situation in the first place
[04-28-1992|16:30CST] AirrRadd: There you go. Sounds like a plan. Good luck, he sounds wild. Obsessed doesn’t even BEGIN to cover it, that guy is wanting you every hour of every day
[04-28-1992|16:31CST] AirrRadd: it’s that seven-incher dude I’m telling you
Mark rolled his eyes. Seven and a quarter, he corrected him in his head. But he didn’t want to get back into that conversation again.
[04-28-1992|16:32CST] DM1970: right okay
[04-28-1992|16:32CST] DM1970: I’m not worried about him not listening though for the record
[04-28-1992|16:33CST] DM1970: He’s not pushy, I’m just easily seduced I guess
[04-28-1992|16:34CST] DM1970: Anyways don’t feel bad about not having a lot of advice because I wasn’t expecting any for that. I just wanted to talk about it, I’m not upset with him because I’m part of the problem. He comes up with the ideas and I go along with them
[04-28-1992|16:36CST] AirrRadd: don’t worry, no judgment from me. Fuck I’m just jealous you have someone like that. He’s obsessed with you and you’re obsessed with him. That’s the dream right there
Couldn’t argue with him there. Being with Cesar was like a dream. Despite all the sneaking around, despite keeping everything hidden, Mark truly felt blessed to have him. If they could only be out and open about themselves, things wouldn’t be so stressful. Though getting caught fucking in public would still be a problem.
[04-28-1992|16:39CST] DM1970: Well I appreciate you hearing me out at least even if it was kind of stupid
[04-28-1992|16:40CST] AirrRadd: Not stupid at all :) Always glad to help a brother out
[04-28-1992|16:40CST] DM1970: Thanks. I know I just got here but I should probably be heading out
[04-28-1992|16:41] AirrRadd: I’ll keep the private thread open for you :) Give me more juicy details next time something happens though man I’m so hungry for ANYTHING!!!!
That seemed like a good place to leave him. Some things didn’t need a response.
Mark cleared the web history and signed out. He stood and threw his bag over his shoulder. Would it look weird for him to leave after spending forty minutes on the computer? Since he was here, he decided to take a look around again. There were some books he considered picking up, but then he’d look over at the woman at the counter, who he would have to face if he wanted to check anything out. How did people do that? Depending on the book, that was almost as mortifying as making eye contact with the clerk at the sex shop. Every time he came here, he passed by that copy of A Boy’s Own Story sitting nonchalantly in the middle of a row of books, stopped to stare at it with knowing regard, then remembered the librarian who would associate his face with him checking out that book. Once again he found himself staring at it, a hand slightly raised to reach for it, only to pull himself away. He couldn’t do it.
What if he grabbed several books at once? What if he just happened to include that one among the others? Would it make less of an impression on that lady?
He skipped over it and looked at some others first, settling on a copy of Ender’s Game. That one was innocuous enough. He doubled back for A Boy’s Own Story, then hid it under The Queen of the Damned and A Wizard of Earthsea, two books he wasn’t familiar with and didn’t especially care for either way. There was no way he was going to finish all of these before the due date, but nothing said he had to. These other books were only a distraction to make him not come off as suspicious. Though if he was being honest, he did want to make time for Ender’s Game. Television was getting dull these days now that there was nothing new. He also liked the idea of reading something for the sake of enjoying it without the schoolwork and book reports that normally come part of the package deal.
Mark’s heart beat in his throat as he watched the librarian scan each of his books. He watched her intently, probably looking like a weirdo, for any change in her expression, but was relieved to see none. He thanked her quietly and rushed back to his car, visions playing in his head of running into people from school to know him, who might care enough at the worst moment to ask him what he had or why he was in such a hurry.
