Chapter 20: April 19th, 1992
Being curled up next to the warmth of Cesar’s body was almost enough to make him forget how unbearably hard he was. Mark was content to let Cesar stay like this, wrapped up in all the blankets he could find, for as long as he wanted. He could let him doze off comfortably in his arms, warm and safe. Forever, if that’s how long Cesar wanted the moment to last. And if not for Cesar still goading him on he would let himself suffer for the sake of not ruining that moment. The boy in his arms, however, loved to ruin moments and start new ones. His finger was tracing circles on Mark’s belly, slowly moving farther down until his hand was kneading at his crotch again.
“Maaaark…”
Pretending he didn’t find it cute, Mark sighed at the childish whining. “What is it?”
“I want to play some more. I promise I’m ready,” he said, beginning to unbutton Mark’s shirt. “But there’s a few more things I want to do if you’ll let me.” Mark watched in silence as Cesar took his time with each little button, fumbling with them on purpose to make himself look clumsy. Surely he was toying with him. Making this take longer just to torment Mark with having to wait. He swore he was so fucking hard he was going to explode if he didn’t get his dick in him soon.
The desire to let Cesar have his fun came first. Whatever he wanted, Mark would suffer as long as he had to for Cesar to eat his fill.
Cesar helped position Mark until he was laying down just slightly on his side, his shirt unbuttoned and hanging loosely around his body, pants and underwear pulled down to his thighs. There was a long silence between them, hungry eyes staring into those of the other, then at their bodies. Cesar’s palm brushed back and forth against Mark’s soft pecs, then down his belly until his fingers were teasing the shaft of his cock. Mark’s hips gently twitched toward the touch, expecting more. Such warm hands…
Then the other boy stood up beside the bed and motioned for Mark to scoot over until he was centered in the bed. “Good, like that. Stay still like that for me. You don’t mind if I borrow the camera, right? I’ll buy the next one.”
“Go for it. You don’t have to pay me, though.”
His smile was a nervous one while he watched Cesar snap a few photos before giving him more instructions. Give me some bedroom eyes, grab your junk, open your shirt a little more, and more things that were so fucking embarrassing. Anything his sweetheart wanted, though… Absolutely anything. Nothing was off the table. It was hard not to laugh though. Cesar was standing there taking pictures of him, wearing nothing but his boxers, with the world’s most obvious boner. He’d probably kill Mark if he laughed in the middle of his little photoshoot and ruined it on him. Film and disposable cameras were getting expensive anyway, so hey, better make those pictures count.
“Delicious. I don’t know what you were considering for a college major, but I think you should say ‘fuck that shit’ and get into modeling.”
“Oh fuck off, ” he siad, laughing it off and rolling his eyes. “Nobody’s going to want my fat ass as a model.”
“Excuse you, your fat ass is perfection .”
“My fat ass is also riddled with acne. I love you and your compliments, but I seriously doubt it’s a possibility unless my face clears up and I lose some weight.”
Cesar pouted, sighed, tossed the camera onto the desk and crossed his arms. Then he sauntered back to Mark’s side, eyeing up his entire body as if he’d never seen it before. It was the kind of attention that Mark craved, yet it always made him feel so scared and small. There was always a deep fear in the back of his mind that someday he might not be up to Cesar’s standards. Even though what followed was always sweet words and affection, Mark was afraid that he would wake up one day to learn that he wasn’t enough anymore.
But today wasn’t that day. Cesar leaned in, a softness in his eyes that Mark only ever saw when he was tearing himself down. Planting kisses all over his cheeks, stopping over his ear to hiss his displeasure.
“Don’t say that shit to me.”
“But it’s true.”
Cesar pulled away to look Mark in the eyes and grabbed him by the shoulders. “Mark. Listen, if losing weight would make you happier, then… of course I’d support you. But don’t you fucking dare let yourself feel like you have to..”
They had this talk a lot. It was one of the few things Cesar was serious about. Serious as a heart attack.
“Okay. Okay, okay. I’m sorry.”
With a smile, he leaned in again. A gentle nibble at Mark’s ear made his problems feel like they were melting away. Looking down, Cesar was rock hard again. “Good. You know I love everything about you.”
“Done taking pictures?”
“Yeah. For now.”
“Great. Listen, hold that thought,” he said, standing up and pulling his pants up. Walking around like that would be, well, difficult. “I’m going to get some extra towels. I have a feeling we might need some.”
“Don’t keep me waiting,” giggled Cesar, sitting at the edge of the bed and pretending to be patient.
Mark scooped up the soiled towels in his arms. Ever since they started doing this together, he’s done a lot more laundry than he used to. Mildly annoying, but it sure beat cleaning cumstains out of carpets, blankets, sheets, mattress covers… Trying to explain set-in white stains to visiting family would be awkward as fuck. Omitting the fact that Cesar was partially the culprit would be easy, but that would still mean admitting to his family that he’s jerking off and making huge messes all over his stuff. Good ol’ white towels made things nice and easy. No stains, no hard questions, no anxiety.
Old towels went in the basket to be thrown in the wash later, and new ones were pulled from a cramped cabinet in the bathroom, one that Mark kept separate from the rest. But when he came back into his room, he found that Cesar wasn’t content to sit quietly on his bed waiting for him to return. He’d found a stash of items that Mark kept under his bed, not least of all some of his old porno mags.
“Hey, hey, heyheyhey, put those back—”
“I’m just browsing. Don’t pop an artery.”
“I swear, I haven’t looked at those in months. On my fucking life.”
“I wouldn’t care either way,” he said, not even making eye contact with Mark as he flipped through the pages of a magazine with a busty blonde lady in a bikini swimsuit on the cover. “I’m just curious. You know I’m not into girls, but I’ve always wondered what you found attractive about them.”
Mark buried his tomato-red face in his hands. This was so fucking ridiculous. And he was just letting it happen!
“I guess I see a trend here. Huge tits, skimpy clothes. Standard stuff. I don’t really get it, but people like what they like I suppose. Personally I like huge tits better when they’re on men,” he said, tossing the magazine over his shoulder so it fell into a disheveled heap on the bed behind him. The disrespect to his belongings was irritating, but Mark calmed himself by reminding himself that he wasn’t interested in those nameless broads anymore. They may have kept him and his hand busy on a few lonely nights where dealing with his raging teenage hormones alone was too unbearable, but he swore them off so long ago. Cesar was already nose-deep into the next magazine, and fuck, Mark cringed at that. That one looked…
“Damn, this one’s fucking crusty. You must have jizzed all over some of these pages. I think two are stuck together here, Christ almighty.”
He managed to pull the pages apart. Haunting Mark again after so long was the image of a woman that wasn’t anywhere near as busty or blonde as the girls in the other magazine, but much more muscular. Abs on full display under a tight sports bra, rippling muscles… back in the day, that was his go-to. Something primal stirred deep in him the first time he saw it.
“Those fucking thighs, man. She could crush watermelons with those. Or some horndog’s head,” he said, and as if this couldn’t get any worse for Mark, he crinkled the page between his fingers. “This page is pretty stiff. How many times did you blow your load on this bitch’s thighs?”
The question was nonchalant, but he really didn’t want to answer that either way. Cesar only shrugged, and that magazine quickly met the same fate as the other: thrown over his shoulder, half of it slumping off the edge of the bed where it threatened to slip between the bed and the wall. Mark wished it would. Back into the void where it belonged.
That’s when Mark saw it. And, oh God, so did Cesar. The next dirty book in his collection had a man on the cover, giving the viewer a dark and dangerous look. He was shirtless and wearing pants that were way too tight.
“Oooh, what have we here? I guess I should have expected this,” he joked with an evil little smirk, picking it up and flipping through the pages. While the last magazine only had a few crusty and crinkly pages, this one hardly had a single page that was free of filth. Mark remembered that he got this magazine not too long after he started to suspect he might have had a thing for Cesar. He wanted to know if he was really into men, and when your life revolves around church, who were you supposed to turn to? His idea was to sneak a dirty magazine full of sexy men to see if he could get off to it.
That was how he found out. Especially when he flipped some number of pages in, just as Cesar was doing now, and he found a model that was eerily similar to the object of his affection. A little darker skinned than Cesar, with raven-black hair just like his. Piercing, daring brown eyes just like his. A body that matched the way Cesar’s looked in his imagination at the time. That’s all it took for him to know, leaning over the book and jerking himself off so much more desperately than ever before, that those feelings were real. He loved Cesar. In the romantic and sappy kind of way, and also in a deeply sexual way, as much as he couldn’t bear to admit it at the time. The number of times he soiled that picture of the muscle-clad woman couldn’t compare to how badly he dirtied that slender raven-haired man’s pinup photo. Over and over, sometimes several times in a day, he’d jerk himself dry over that picture, crying out for Cesar to come take him for real. I need you, Cesar! God, I want to fuck you so bad it hurts! and other things that left him mortified with himself during the post-nut clarity, only for him to get hard again not even ten minutes later and repeat the process all over again.
The page was… disgusting. A biohazard if Cesar had ever seen one. There was smeared and distorted ink lettering from wet spots, and smatterings of tiny, milky-white stains all over. The bulk of it was condensed over the picture of the man, with a few stray droplets staining other parts of the page.
“Oh. Oh. ”
“Fuck, Cesar, I’m sorry, I know this is weird as fuck—”
“You wanted to fuck me that bad?” There was a threatening lilt to his voice, lowering the book to set it on the bed, and he leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. Mark didn’t know which was worse: the fact that Cesar knew this little secret of his, or that he wasn’t grossed out by it. He was amused. This was funny to him.
And now there was no hiding it. “...Yeah. I did. I couldn’t get you out of my head.”
“Mark… get over here.”
Towels in his arms, he stepped closer. He had to force himself to move, because the nervousness and embarrassment left him feeling like his feet were stapled to the floor. Cesar patted the bed next to him, and Mark took the hint and sat down next to him. His heart was pounding. Was Cesar going to mess with him? Make fun of him? Wordlessly, he took the towels from Mark and laid them out on the bed. Then he turned back to him and leaned in, gently pressing their lips together. The tiniest hint of tongue grazed against Mark’s lips. No aggression, no fevered french-kissing. Only Cesar’s soft, warm lips against his own.
The look in his deep brown eyes could pierce through Mark’s soul as he pulled away.
“You are so fucking nasty. And thank fucking God for that.”
Mark blinked. A compliment? Was that a compliment? It must have been, because now Cesar was crawling into his lap, his chest heaving with renewed breath, kissing him again and again with more and more tongue, more teeth, more grinding their clothed erections together. You’re so silly. Now fuck me! was what he knew Cesar was trying to tell him. He knew that this was just how Cesar was when anyone else would be rendered speechless. There was no stopping the man’s mouth from moving, but it was possible to get him to be less direct. Now he was repeating their scene from the car, rubbing his entire body against Mark’s with his arms thrown lazily around his neck.
“Is my body everything you dreamed of? As good as those models?” he asked.
“Way better.”
“I can tell. So much dust on the cover of that old magazine… You really haven’t touched it in so long. You should just get rid of that shit.”
He really should. Cesar was here every weekend to show him what heaven felt like, and when he wasn’t around he had a steady supply of naughty pictures of him that were no doubt accumulating their own layer of grime by now. There was no need for that stuff anymore. The only thing he needed was Cesar.
He grabbed Cesar’s ass with both hands and kneaded hard into the cheeks, feeling the heat pool in his groin when Cesar moaned with need into his mouth. The world was spinning, yet at the same time, it stayed still for the two of them as they kissed and fondled each other. Mark tugged on Cesar’s boxers until they were low enough for Cesar to straighten his legs, one at a time, and kick them off the rest of the way. Cesar undid Mark’s slacks and pulled them down just enough to pull out his dick, now grinding their bare dicks together, the two of them feeding needy sounds into each other’s mouths in anticipation of where this was going.
“You said you were going to ‘make love’ to me, Mark. Show me. ”
There were only inches of space remaining between their chests, and Mark wouldn’t be happy until he closed that gap totally. He needed to be as close as possible to Cesar, and he needed it now. Didn’t he deserve it? He thought he did, after waiting patiently for hours upon hours. A little melodramatic of him, sure, especially since it was mostly self-imposed. But he needed those pictures of Cesar falling helpless victim to those vibrators!
He threw his arms around Cesar’s waist and hoisted him up and rolled them both over, forcing his boyfriend onto his back. Being given permission to go ahead and do what he wanted felt like being freed from a cage. Mark’s kisses turned to nibbles, turned to bites as they traveled down. Below his collarbones, all over his chest, around his nipples, covering his torso with bright red badges. He wanted to taste every inch of this man’s body until it was totally covered in bite marks.
Cesar whimpered and shook, holding a fistful of Mark’s hair. “I think I’m going to have to change out in a bathroom stall for gym class tomorrow.”
Mark secretly wished everyone could see it and knew what was going on between them without it ruining their lives. Hell, even if it would, it was tempting. The only thing holding him back was knowing that he’d regret it immediately.
Thinking about laying his claim to Cesar by marking up his body and parading him around for everyone to see was disgusting enough, depraved enough, that it reminded him that he needed to hurry up and get going or else they’d both go fucking crazy. Lube was dumped carelessly onto his cock, in far too much of a rush to put it on properly. No more time for stupid games—he needed to be in him right fucking now. Cesar would have to go without regular prep, but he was sure that he didn’t need it at this point; he just had a vibrator in him not even thirty minutes ago, and he’s taken all of Mark completely dry before. Mark knew he’d be fine.
Mark took hold of Cesar’s legs with his hands slotted behind the other’s knees, folding his legs closer to his chest with knees spread apart to let Mark meet him face-to-face and pulling himself in close. It was different from what they were used to, but something about this position made it feel more intimate. Cesar was willingly submitting himself to Mark, who would only take care of him in all the ways he knew how.
With loving hands cradling the back of his head and heels digging into back, he sunk himself deep into Cesar, the older boy’s head thrown back into the pillow as he let out shallow, breathy moans. Panting with misty eyes, his hands in Mark’s hair turning to fists, his legs pulling him in and forcing him in deeper. And he was looking straight into Mark’s eyes, so loving and sweet, and it drove Mark crazy. Sometimes doubt would cloud his mind during moments like these. But when there was no taunting, no jokes or goofing off, it meant that Cesar was being serious for once.
If there was a way he could show Cesar right this moment just how much he loved him through sex, then by God he was going to fucking do it.
“God, I can not get over how big you are.”
“Oh, stop it.”
Cesar cupped Mark’s face in his hands. Serious as Cesar was, he just couldn’t help squishing Mark’s cheeks while he was at it. “Just being honest.”
Mark wished there was something more he could say to Cesar without it making him want to puke from how annoying and cliche it would be. When Cesar did it, it was cute and funny. ‘Those damn theater kids again’ , Mark could complain, in jest. Cesar can say such sweet things to him in the purplest of prose, and Mark would just have to blame it on those theater kids for being a bad influence on him.
With his looks, Mark was convinced that he should have been one of them. Handsome and charming, he was perfect for it. He could land any role he wanted. Cesar resented the idea. He liked hanging out with them, but only wanted the attention of one person. There was only one person he could be weird, funny, goofy, silly, and unabashedly himself with, and that took some time and opening up. Mark couldn’t blame him. He couldn’t bring himself to join the writing club at school, even at Cesar’s suggestion after learning that he did that sort of thing on his own time.
The thought of sharing anything he wrote was horrifying. All of it was deeply personal thoughts. Pain. Once Cesar came into the picture, his wants and needs. The sexual and the erotic. Wannabe-romantic drivel that would be any English teacher’s nightmare to read for an assignment. A lot of it was obsessing over Cesar. Most of it was obsessing over Cesar. He was all Mark could think about.
If Cesar ever found his journals, he’d fucking die. Even Cesar wasn’t ready to see the cringe-worthy shit that would be found there, much less the rest of the world.
“Mark? Everything okay?”
Shit. He must have been making faces while he thought about his worst nightmares coming true.
“More than okay,” he said, tucking his face into the boy’s neck and hoping it would be a smooth enough move that Cesar would forget all about it. “A little emotional, I guess.”
“Aw, what a sweetheart. I love you so much, you know that?”
What Mark wanted to tell him was that he was the most beautiful thing — the only beautiful thing — in this entire shitty county. There was nothing in Mandela County that made it worth living in except Cesar. Putting such a radiant angel in such a run-down trash heap was surely one of God’s cruelest jokes. Or perhaps he was condemned here for being such a tempting devil.
Mark wanted to punch himself in the jaw. That had to be the worst thing he could ever think of saying. Just say he’s pretty and that you love him and call it done, he begged himself, but he wished he could just say what he felt without it being weird.
But Cesar likes weird, said the tiny devil on his other shoulder. ‘Pretty’ doesn’t cut it. A handsome stallion! The love of your life!
Not only was that cringy as fuck, but at best it would give Cesar an inflated ego. More than he’s already got at this point.
He made a slow, deep push into Cesar that pulled another long sigh from him. “I love you too, Ces.”
Why couldn’t he just say it? Emotions were running high. Now was the perfect time to say all the annoying, sickeningly sweet things he’s always wanted to say. Cesar might make fun of him for it on the outside, but he knew that on the inside he would be eating it up. So what if it flares his ego a little bit more? Might as well, right? So selfish, not letting him have that happiness just because he was afraid of being teased a bit…
“You always hold back, Mark. I can see in your eyes that you have so much more than that to say.”
Mark pretended he didn’t hear that. He let his teeth graze against his jawline.
“You know, Mark… The vibrator was fun, but it’s nothing compared to the real thing. I love it when you play with me yourself.”
A tight squeeze around his base made him grunt against Cesar’s shoulder.
“Can I confess something, Mark?”
“Mm,” he grunted in affirmation, mouth too busy nipping at Cesar’s delicate skin.
“Not too long after our first time, I started looking around and I… Well, I found a dildo that’s pretty close to your shape and size. As close as I could get it without placing some kind of custom order, I mean.”
Mark stopped and sat up and looked him dead in the eyes. “You what?”
“It’s a lot of fun when I’m by myself, because I’m always thinking of you, and it hurts to be away from you during the week. I can’t take it. But when we get together like this, it’s so much better. Some dumb toy could never be as good as you.”
“That’s… Wow.” His dick twitched, and he knew Cesar felt it when he chuckled and stroked Mark’s hair. “But why are you telling me this now?”
“Dunno. Guess the porno mag with the guy that looks a little like me reminded me that I do pretty much the same shit you’ve been doing. I didn’t want you to feel bad about it. You worry about that shit so much that sometimes I think you’ll drop dead from a heart attack.”
Mark broke down. He felt so fucking stupid. Body laid himself flat against Cesar’s, he choked out a sob into his shoulder. He wasn’t entirely sure why he was crying. But if Cesar could say all that outright, why couldn’t he do the same? Where the fuck did Cesar get the confidence to just… say shit? And he would say shit that Mark would never admit out loud even if he were being waterboarded, and for no reason other than to make him feel better. “Fuck, Cesar… I—”
The arch of his foot trailed against Mark’s leg, as if trying to remind him that their bodies were still pressed together. As if he ever forgot. “Come on, baby. It’s okay, don’t cry about it. Crying during missionary sex is a little corny, you know?”
A jab at him, but a light one. Just as Cesar always does, and clearly not mean or mocking. It was easy to forget that sometimes, to know what Cesar was really feeling, he’d have to read between the lines. He was supposed to be good at that kind of thing, but for some reason when it came to Cesar, he had a habit of taking things at face value.
So he wiped his tears and told him all the things he wanted to say. About his beauty, about his being an angel—or a devil disguised as one—and about him being the only good thing about growing up in Mandela County. Someday, when there were no responsibilities tying them down, they would run away together. To a better life, with clean suburbs and blue skies.
Cesar pulled him back down into a tight embrace. “...Shut up and fuck me,” he said, with an undeniable quiver in his voice. The notion of making Cesar cry in any capacity broke Mark’s heart into pieces, but he was glad that he sounded happy. So he took Cesar’s legs and hiked them up once more, repositioning himself back to the way they were, long and slow drags of his cock making Cesar lean back into his pillow with quiet moans and a gentle expression of devotion, a sparkle in his eyes. Soft sighs and calls of Mark’s name left his lips. Far quieter than how he usually was, but not once did he ask for more.
“Is this okay? You’re not as loud as usual.”
“Right now, I think I want to make noise just for you. Not the neighbors.”
It was embarrassing to admit it seeing as it made him feel like an old man, but this was the kind of sex that built up his climax faster than even the nastiest, kinkiest sex, and he felt it rapidly approaching. The way Cesar would quietly call out his name like crying out to a distant lover long gone and bury his face into Mark’s neck and hold him close while squeezing hard around him told him that he must have been feeling it, too. Or was that just wishful thinking? Because in all honesty, he knew that this wasn’t Cesar’s preferred way of having sex. He liked it fast and messy, loud and sweaty. Hell, the way he fucked was downright athletic at times. Cesar would kick his ass for saying it out loud, but Mark secretly wondered if there was a chance that marathon sex with Cesar would be enough to help him shed a few pounds. He wasn’t really going for it on purpose, but he wouldn’t be surprised if it were a possibility.
Those fears of his were unfounded, and he found himself cumming along with Cesar constricting tight around him, a silent scream hiding behind slightly parted lips. Then the string of I love yous and oh Mark, please that reminded him that Cesar was the most accepting and non-judgy person he could ever have in his life. Mark let Cesar have his fun, and Cesar let him have his. It was easy to forget that when Cesar hid it behind fake cattiness and a sharp tongue, but he wasn’t unfair or selfish. He was perfect, but also not perfect, and that was okay with Mark.
But as they rested flat against each other, bodies glistening with a thin layer of sweat, Mark couldn’t shake the guilt. He felt warm and rosy and loved, but…
“Hey, Ces?” Mark started, breaking the silence.
“ Mmmm? ” Cesar purred out, almost a moan through the aftershocks of a good orgasm.
“This was okay, right?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean… Was it really enough? I know you usually like it all like… kinky and shit. Not… Not crying in missionary. Seriously, I don’t know what the fuck got into me. I’m sorry.”
Mark could feel Cesar’s lips as they smiled against his cheek. “You have a favorite food, right?”
That made his train of thought screech to a halt. In fact, it was so fucking dumb that for a moment it made Mark stop feeling bad for himself. “What does that have to do with this?”
Cesar was happily nuzzled against the side of Mark’s face, relaxed like he just got a hit of the best nicotine. “Would you eat your favorite food every day for the rest of your life and never get bored with it?”
“...No, I wouldn’t.”
“And you have other things that you like, maybe less than your favorite, but you still like them and get cravings for them, right?”
“Yeah?”
“Well, there you go. Just because this isn’t my favorite didn’t mean I didn’t like it. I hate saying I’d find doing anything with you boring, but I think it would be frustrating after a while if we did the same thing over and over.”
“I guess. Don’t you think this is… you know, different?”
“Mark, you could probably just stick your dick in me and not move at all and make me cum just from that.”
He couldn’t hold back a snort. “Yeah fucking right. I know you’re a slut, but even you have standards. There’s no fucking way.”
“I bet you could totally do it, big boy. ”
He’s ridiculous. Mark loved that. He couldn’t help but laugh and hold Cesar close to him. It had to be a dream world that he was living in, where he had someone so wonderful to share a bed with. Fun, pretty, funny… Sweet and loving, athletic, and so much smarter than him, at least when it came to having their heart-to-heart talks. Lacking in the maturity department, but whatever.
“You know, if you really feel bad about it…” Cesar murmured, a dangerous edge to his voice, rolling them over until it was Mark who was now on his back with Cesar straddling his hips.
“...then we could go a few more rounds.”
That sounded like the best worst idea Cesar’s ever had. They could forget all about those awful emotions. Those feelings that made Mark question if he ever really deserved to have Cesar all to himself. Tomorrow was Monday, and they had school in the morning. Mark knew they should probably be sleeping by now, but what harm was there in a little more fun? It wouldn’t take too long.
“...Okay. I think I’m up for it. One or two more rounds couldn’t hurt.”
The look of pure evil on Cesar’s face warned Mark that he was in for a long night.
